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A synod of bishops from the four corners of the earth and a full panoply of Mother Superiors recently converged on the Holy See of Rome, to consider the vexed question of the ordination of men. The Holy See had received many heartfelt appeals from the cruder sex claiming to have a call to the priesthood from God Herself.
Her Holiness firmly replied to these appeals that the call must have been a wrong number. Our Holy Mother in heaven would never call to the ministry those so obviously disqualified by reason of gender.
But the men refused to take no for an answer. Throwing down their picks and shovels, they declared they would do no more maintenance to the church roof until they had equal rights with women. They sent petitions to the Holy See, filled with arguments in support of the ordination of men. Although they could find no example from Jesus Himself, the Incarnation of holy wisdom, since he had ordained no men to the priesthood (or women either ...)
Finally Her Holiness decided to gather the Holy Mothers of the Church together, with a number of the best-qualified scholars, who had spent a lifetime studying the odd characteristics of the male gender (from a safe distance, of course). They hoped to come up with a definitive argument, once and for all, against the ordination of men.
After long and careful study, a final decree was drawn up defining the reasons why men could not be ordained. The decree was proclaimed by Her Holiness and the Holy Mothers departed home to their respective seats of wisdom, feeling very pleased with themselves. The decree Ad Hominem stated to their satisfaction, and, they hoped, for all time, the weighty reasons for their gut prejudices.
The first part of the decree deduced a good many reasons from men's biological and psychological natures that disqualified them from the priesthood.
It was said, first of all, that men were too violent and emotional to be priests. Anyone who has watched groups of men at football or cricket matches, not to mention political conferences, has seen their trigger-happy tempers, their taste for solving conflicts with fisticuffs. To ordain such creatures would be to risk disgraceful brawls at the altar. The male proneness to violence surely disqualifies them from representing Christ, who incarnates graciousness and peace.
Secondly, the cruder, heavier frame of the male clearly marks him out for the physical tasks of society, digging ditches, mending roofs and the like. The finer, more spiritual tasks of society are intended by Our Mother in Heaven for the more refined spirits and bodies of women. This separation of roles is clearly evident in scripture, where the males are said to have been created from dirt, while women were created last, clearly marking them out as the crown of God's Creation. It was even suggested by one Mother Superior that Adam was a rough draft, Eve being the more refined and complete version of human nature. The Mothers had a good many laughs at that one, and some decided to have it made into a bumper sticker.
On the practical level, it was felt that men were needed for military defence. A man's place is in the army, declared one wise scholar, and all the Holy Mothers nodded in agreement. Besides, men would look silly in red dresses and lace. The sacred garb is clearly intended for women.
Profound matters of a theological nature were also discussed. One scholar had prepared a long paper proving from the symbolic order that men could not be ordained. The division of humanity into male and female is a profound mystery that symbolises the relationship of the transcendent and the immanent, the spiritual and the material. Women represent the spiritual realm, men the material. The material must be ruled by the spiritual, just as Holy Wisdom presides over the physical cosmos as her household.
Moreover, since the Church is female, those who represent Her should clearly be female as well. There should be a physical resemblance between the priest and the Church as Holy Mother. Obviously this means that all priests should be mature women. The Church is also said to be the Bride of Christ, and brides are female. The priest, as a representative of the Church in relation to Christ, represents Christ's bride. Therefore only women can be priests.
It was solemnly noted that men are sexually attractive to some women. To have a man on the altar may distract a woman from her prayers. For women to have to sit listening to men preach or watching them stomping about the sanctuary might lead their thoughts to descend from the higher to the lower realms.
Finally, it was noted that most of the people who come to church are women. Men tend to stand outside the doors of the church gossiping, or sneak off to the pub or football match.
It was hoped that with so many clear reasons, from both the natural and theological realms, against the ordination of men, this would settle the matter. Male impertinence would be silenced, and they would slink back into their proper sphere.
Roma locuta, causa finita.
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